Power-hungry dictator Museveni’s Kleptocratic government says it urgently needs Shs2 billion for an “age-detecting machine” to help verify citizens’ birth records.
Officially, it’s about assisting NIRA with ID renewals, yet informally, we all know the truth – machine has one VIP client in mind: Yoseri Tibuhaburwa alias Museveni, the octogenarian despot ruler who has outlived term limits, age limits, and nearly every political opponent.
For decades, Museveni’s age has floated like classified information. Local authorities and churches were reportedly coerced to falsify birth records. Is it flexibility, convenience or criminality?
Immune to arithmetic but time, unlike critics, cannot be tear-gassed. So now comes the solution: a high-tech device to “scientifically” determine how old someone really is. Not through baptism cards.
Not through school records. But through a Shs2 billion scan of biological reality.
Imagine the moment.
The machine hums. It analyses decades of bush war stories, recycled campaign speeches, and constitutional edits. It measures the fossil depth of power and BOOM!! The screen flashes: 109 YEARS.
Verified.
After scrapping presidential age limits to stay in power, perhaps the final irony is needing a machine to admit the obvious. When a leader rules long enough to become a historical monument, the only thing left to modernize is the truth.
If this machine is approved, it won’t just detect age.
It will expose how long one man has clung to a nation like it was personal property — and how much public money it takes to measure a dictatorship’s mileage.